“Death will come
And it will have your eyes”, Pavese says
“Not mine, I say
Because I’ll have them before her.”
In the meantime, I would like to say that, despite all the adversities I had to face in life, I have achieved what I wanted to achieve: to understand my fellow men, the universe and the world in which I was born and lived. In my way I understood them.
Sure, I could have committed suicide without saying a word, as most suicides do. Instead, I do the opposite, I write the reasons that led me to this act and I say that for me suicide was one of the most convenient things of my life: I could get rid of it when and how I wanted.
My death, therefore. In fact, I had already decided on this act towards the end of the Sixties, in Paris. Then it didn’t happen. Then, the “then” of this time, became the then of today and between these two “thens” passed more than 50 years. I reasoned like this in those past times and I still think like this:
Being born from nothing and then returning to another nothing without a “but” and without a “why”, is not fun for a mind that thinks and from any point of view one sees it.
Hearing the ever closer and closer footsteps of the Lady of darkness night after night is not a pleasant melody, particularly when you know where this sad music will end.
Nature has never been my ideal and never could be as it is. It is at the mercy of at least three principles one worse than the other: the principle of the absurd, the principle of eat or you will be eaten and the principle of the Lady of darkness. These three universal laws, ranging from micro to macro, apply to every inanimate and animate phenomenon in the entire universe: giant stars swallow the smaller ones and the stronger animals eat the weaker ones. The rest is dominated by the absurd and death. In such a made world, there is no escape for anyone, genius or imbecile he or she is.
Living then in a society that has, as its main rules, exploitation, violence, wars, discrimination, falsehoods and is made of victims and executioners. This sort of society has always turned my stomach and insulted my sensibility, my heart and the brain, and I think it is so for all those who have a human dignity and a social conscience. Since the “homo species” appeared on this planet until today, it has been and still is in the wrong hands. It has to change masters. There is no other way if you want to save it.
In short, if we went to the core of the life phenomenon, we would must ask:
Why do we come into the world?
Does life has a meaning?
Only the one we give it.
Are we alone?
Basically we are all alone.
And what is death?
Today I am no longer as young as I was in the Sixties, today my 80 years are starting to make me feel their weight less and less light. I do not want to burden them again with ailments, troubles and efforts, much less humiliate them by giving a life at the mercy of a growing unworthy existence. And since there is no time in this world so made to feel sorry for yourself, I decided that my time has come for me to close up with this insulting thing called life!
My death, therefore. This, unlike my birth, I want to manage it myself in all respects and I have to do it while I am alive and in good health, because, in my view, one of the most important things in life is, not only how do you live, but also how do you die.
It is 10.30 am any day in July 2021 and I am about to enter the office of the Defibis funeral office in Biella. This is where today I will choose (with me there are Nora Bianchi, my partner, and Mr. Orazio Perigni, a representative of the company), my coffin and I will give instructions for my funeral.
First of all I choose the coffin; second, I don’t want any funeral announcements; third, I want to be cremated in a white habit in the Aosta Valley crematorium; fourth, I want my ashes to be scattered over the Biellese mountains (many of my ideas, which later ended up in the books I published, came to me while I was walking on these mountains); fifth, I am an atheist and not baptized and as such I want to be cremated. For the rest, I leave it to my son.
Today, 11 February 2022, Frank Ferreri has left us. It was his birthday, he turned 80. He did it by jumping into the void from the seventh floor of his flat.